


The Brady Ban

by goodisrelative



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-07-22
Updated: 2006-07-22
Packaged: 2017-10-18 04:19:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/184907
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goodisrelative/pseuds/goodisrelative
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><em> Rodney's eyes snapped to him. "That includes you, Colonel!" </em></p>
            </blockquote>





	The Brady Ban

**Author's Note:**

> This stemmed from hell, or my literally 10 hours (20 episodes) of _The Brady Bunch_ while riding SVAC on July 22, 2006. I was chatting with Pixie and she said this had to be a story and this is what we came up with. It is also my first ever crack!fic. I am proud.

_**Crack!fic Alert: SGA: The Brady Ban (G)**_  
DISCLAIMER: Stargate Atlantis & The Brady Bunch and it's characters belong to their creators. This is not for profit and I am recognizing no financial gain from this enterprise.

Title: The Brady Ban  
Authors: [](http://goodisrelative.livejournal.com/profile)[**goodisrelative**](http://goodisrelative.livejournal.com/) and [](http://pixie-on-acid.livejournal.com/profile)[**pixie_on_acid**](http://pixie-on-acid.livejournal.com/)  
WARNING: CRACK!FIC complete and utter crack!fic  
Rating: G  
Spoilers: None  
Summary: _Rodney's eyes snapped to him. "That includes you, Colonel!"_  
Word Count: 790

Author Note: This stemmed from hell, or my literally 10 hours (20 episodes) of _The Brady Bunch_ while riding SVAC on July 22, 2006. I was chatting with Pixie and she said this had to be a story and this is what we came up with. It is also my first ever crack!fic. I am proud.  
  


* * *

"Excuse me people!" an extremely annoyed voice was heard all over Atlantis.

"Any personnel who turns on, watches, sings or hums the theme song to or even mentions the TV show _The Brady Bunch_ forfeits all right to life, limb and liberty. Said offender will be used as Wraith Bait, target practice or as a practice dummy for my new laser guided control system for the drones, which I am developing for the express purpose of killing the offender of The Brady Bunch ban." At the end of the announcement, everyone heard the bang of a tablet being dropped from a great height before the mic clicked off.

Rodney marched into the meeting, eyes snapping in an anger John and Elizabeth had never seen before from their friend.

John started to hum as Rodney took his seat for the meeting.

Rodney's eyes snapped to him. "That includes you, Colonel!"

Elizabeth looked over at John. "What? You don't expect _me_ to save you, do you? I'm with Rodney on this one."

Rodney forced the words out in a clipped tone. "48 hour marathon. NEVER, EVER AGAIN. Death to all. Death by Wraith is too easy."

For once, John was actually disturbed by the death he saw in the usually peace-loving scientist. Insanity and murder were written in the eyes of the genius. He turned back to Elizabeth, but she really did seem to be siding with madness. "But..."

"Rodney?" Elizabeth gestured at John.

Rodney moved forward. John threw up his hands in surrender. "Okay. Fine." He planned his appeal to a higher power. Surely General O'Neill would understand and stop the madness.

* * *

Three days later Rodney received a memo from O'Neill.  
From SGC: General J. O'Neill  
To: Atlantis. Dr. R. McKay  
Death? _Simple Death?_ My god, man... death is too _easy_ for the perpetrators!  
Obviously Sheppard is suffering from some kind of alien-induced brainwashing. You have my permission and blessing to do any and all things necessary to deprogram him.  
Please keep me informed of your progress. -Jack

Rodney met secretly with Dr. Weir to set up the plan. Ronon was recruited for muscle., after all someone had to hold him to the chair to be restrained.

* * *

Rodney invited Sheppard down to his lab to see a new ancient device he and Radek had discovered. Rodney hooked him with the prospect of a new weapon for the jumper. John was too eager to even suspect the treachery that was awaiting him.

He didn't even begin to suspect the trap when he saw Ronon in the lab. By the time he realized his strategic mistake, the war was lost and he was restrained to the chair.

And then began the torture. Three hours later, there was no change. But Rodney started to witness the break down in hour seven, episode 14. By episode 22, the war was ending.

The military commander of Atlantis was seen by Elizabeth, Rodney, Radek and Carson to be babbling to himself incoherently. Mutterings of "No! Stop!" were intermixed with ravings of the theme song.

Carson had originally balked at the idea of the torture, citing humanitarian issues and brain damage concerns… until he heard the name of the show. He insisted on monitoring to ensure health and see that Sheppard learned his lesson. The Brady Bunch was evil incarnate. One had to make exceptions when dealing with such evil.

At the start of episode 24, hour 12, Sheppard finally screamed the appropriate words. "ALL RIGHT YOU WIN RODNEY!" The restraints opened and the video was shut off.

"I lasted until episode 18," Rodney gave the man some credit as he and the others walked back into the lab. "Do not question me again on this. Especially when I am given the blessing of O'Neill to do all things necessary to deprogram the alien brainwashing that made you think I was too harsh in my initial assessment. Never think a man who loves _The Simpsons_ will defend something like _The Brady Bunch!_ "

* * *

It was two weeks later when Atlantis received the transmission. Three different people translated it before they believed it was real and took it to Doctor Weir.

Elizabeth couldn't stop laughing as she ordered Sheppard, MacKay, Zelenka and Beckett to her office.

Wraith scout to Wraith command: Sir. Due to latest data discovery, recommend we avoid Earth as feeding ground. We feed on _intelligent_ species... this strain of humans is not. Forwarding data, known as _The Brady Bunch_ and _I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here_. Any species exposed to this should be considered irrevocably damaged.

John shuddered as he read it, the memories of those twelve hours too painful still.

Rodney laughed, scaring them all. His eyes still glowed, somewhat maniacally.  



End file.
